Like We Never Loved At All
by coffeevixen84
Summary: JH,angsty songficish...please read
1. Chapter 1

Like We Never Loved At All...

Author's Note: Songfic-y; can't hear this without thinking of the current season, and so I had to write. I've never done a songfic before (I'm not sure I did it right) but I hope you like it!

Enjoy, and let me know what you think...(that way if its absolutely horrid I never try anything like it again)

Disclaimer: Not Mine. Not the show, the characters, or the song.

You've got it down, baby. The careless way you look through me. The loathing-coated voice. It's probably even worse than before _us_. Back then it was because of who you thought I was. And now it's because you _know_ me.

We're together often. I see you all the time. It scorches my insides when I see your blue eyes taking in everything but me.

And you laugh easily, you move freely within this world we share. You aren't held back or hurting. But I'm stuck. Just tagging along. Broken. What we had echoes in my ears, always; and yet you can't hear it. You can't hear me.

It's like we never loved at all.

I don't begrudge you your successes, baby. You are doing great, and I'm proud of you, really. But each day passes and its like your another century away. **We** are farther out of my reach.

But _I_ can't forget it. It seems you already have. And that you like it that way.

You were my teacher of so many things, but can you teach me this? Teach me to let go just like you. To let it all just slip away. Because I look at you and you've left no trace or clue.

It's like we never loved at all.

Have you really forgotten all of it, baby? Even thrown all the good out with the bad? Have you expelled me from your mind, from your history, from your soul and your heart?

Did you forget the tingling sensations that kept us up all night, that kept us warm in the cold, that kept us aware, even in the dark, of every touch, every whisper-hot breath, every bead of sweat shed for the sake of lust and love?

Did you leave the steam-hot fury and want, to let it blur behind you? Forgetting the way I could scratch inside your veins with a look, with a demand, with a kiss.

Have you lost all that, my love. Because I couldn't, I wouldn't.

And since you have someone new, to latch onto in the night, I suppose it never crosses your mind how good it felt to kiss me. And I know it felt good, baby, I could always see it in your eyes.

I'm sure you never even think about it.

It's like we never loved at all.

Except we did, baby.

And if I can't forget...I'll make you remember.

_You never looked so good  
As you did last night  
Underneath the city lights  
There walking with your friend  
Laughing at the moon  
I swear you looked right through me  
But I'm still livin' with your goodbye  
And you're just goin' on with your life _

_How can you just walk on by  
Without one tear in your eye  
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me  
Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved at all _

_You, I hear you're doin' fine  
Seems like you're doin' well  
As far as I can tell  
Time is leaving us behind  
(Leavin' us behind)  
Another week has passed  
And still I haven't laughed yet  
So tell me what your secret is baby yeah  
(I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know)  
To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did _

_How can you just walk on by  
Without one tear in your eye  
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me  
Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved at all _

_Did you forget the magic...oh  
Did you forget the passion  
Did you ever miss me  
Ever long to kiss me _

_Ohhhh ohohh ohh Baby, baby _

_Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved...at all..._


	2. Chapter 2

Like We Never Loved At All…

Author's Note: Okay no one is reviewing at this point, very few are reading…but I'm moved by my inner muse to write more so I will keep it up until someone throws something at me to stop….& if you are reading, I'm grateful and I really hope you enjoy this.

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

I want this to look easy. I want my new life to look real. I don't want questions about my new "love", my old love, whether I even _can_ love, or anything. And I definitely don't want anyone to ask if I miss you. So I've shut it all up, doll. Locked it away in the closet of zen, hoping I'll forget where the key is, and eventually, that it's even there.

I think maybe that's just my way of dealing with the pain.

If I let myself, doll, I really do feel bad when you look so wounded after a burn. I tell the room how pathetic and lonely you are. Your eyes well up, you look down at your soft little hands that I ache for sometimes, and no one even thinks maybe I'm the one who's lonely. I pretend I'm not pathetic. And so that's what they see. It's a façade, which I hate. But I need it now that I can't need you.

Maybe that's just my way of dealing with the pain.

Some time's they ask questions anyway. Donna wonders if I hate you as much as it looks like. And by wondering she's saying I don't. She's right of course, I don't hate you at all. I couldn't. But I can't let her know that. I can't let her unmask anything. So I explain you were temporary insanity and that I'm better now. Or that maybe it isn't that I hate _you_, that I just hate the obnoxious ringing in my ears you cause. Either way she drops it, and in my head I mumble an invisible, silent apology…for lying to one of my closest friends. I've learned to deny, deny, deny. And when it's possible, to evade, evade, evade.

And I'm pretty sure that's just my way of dealing with the pain.

The pain of losing you. The pain I had never expected to feel in this life. And certainly not over you.

But I do feel it.

All the time.

So you probably think I've forgotten, and I have to believe, doll, that it's better that way. I have to believe that pushing out of reach the way you whispered, "Steven," before cuddling closer against my chest, and the way you used to bite your lip when you wanted me to kiss you, is the right thing to do. I have to keep pushing all the little things away from my mind so that I don't have to feel their loss each day. I have to be cool. Stoic. Apathetic. I've got to be Hyde; Steven's gone with whatever was left of us.

And I'm sorry, doll. I am, but it's just my way of dealing with the pain…acting like we never loved at all.


	3. Chapter 3

Like We Never Loved At All…

Author's Note: Okay, just one last installment to wrap this up. Because I can't have no closure. Please let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Here we are again. Alone in the basement. You in your chair, me nervously on the couch. It's summer and we both know what television show is about to come on.

I hear the jingle of the music. And the announcer says, "Come on down!" And I make my eyes remain on the TV, I won't take the chance and look at you. But my skin has gone cold, I'm surrounded by the ghosts of _us_.

Sam is gone.

Fez and I are over.

And here we sit, alone again. With Michael off in Chicago, Eric and Donna away in Madison.

If I let it, it would all feel very familiar. But I am trying not to remember.

I hear you breathing. Even, soft. And if I would only allow myself I would think of all the times I fell asleep, nestled against you, the rhythm of your breathing lulling me to sleep.

But honestly, baby, I don't want to remember.

Because then it hurts. All over again.

And I am so tired of hurting, baby.

So I'm forgetting, little by little. I'm forgetting _everything_.

* * *

I know you are trying. I sneak a glance from behind my glasses and you've got that determined glint in your eye. You are trying to ignore the thick, heated air that is dancing between us. You are trying to ignore that we're alone; that _The Price is Right_ is on; that we loved each other once, and lost ourselves in each other here.

I am trying to ignore it too, doll. Trying to pretend you don't look as beautiful as I've ever seen you, your hairfalling in curlsupon your tan shoulders, you summer dress showing off your gorgeous legs. I'm trying too.

And we're both failing.

Things should have gotten easier by now. The pain should have faded. I've played this just right, pushed you away as hard as I could.

But I still hurt. And I hate that I know you still hurt too.

The commercial break is a welcome reprieve, but as the sounds of the game show fill the basement once more, I hear you say the words and I feel like I'm living a memory.

"She can't even reach the wheel."

And then I lost my focus.

Trying. Pretending. Ignoring. Forgetting. All of it just stopped.

And the kissing started.

We _did_ love. We **do** love.


End file.
